fluxscape | The Barns

Entry tags:

The Barns - Closed

Who: Gansey, Ronan, and Adam
What: Dealing with the latest Unseen Attacks
Where: The Barns
When: Before the 27th
Warnings: Will update as needed

To say that Gansey wasn't dealing well with Evie's transformation into a statue was an understatement. After texting Bruce and failed attempts at all the various Gansey family lessons for dealing with his emotions, he decided to practice something outside the usual Richard Gansey III methods.

This one resembled something the Gotham version of Gansey might do, or a Lynch.

Standing in front of Ronan's punching bag, he let his mind drift. He stopped considering technique and everything Ronan had tried to teach him about fighting. A hint of the other Gansey crept into his thoughts, accompanied by faint voices that he knew were Bruce and Alfred. Letting out a slow breath, he let his body respond instead of overthinking like he usually did.

Taking a swing at the bag, his fist connected without the expected bolt of pain from a damaged thumb. Satisfied by the thump of knuckles against bag, he continued punching, making frustrated sounds as he tried not to think of Evie, of her transformation, of what could happen to her, of how he'd failed her, hoping that physical activity would temporarily still his guilt.

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"No, it's not fine. I always tried to keep the less civilized aspects of Ronan and my life away from you." It hadn't been easy, but he'd tried. He'd done everything possible to separate Adam from the rage and violence of the grieving Lynch brothers. Now he'd brought a form of violence into the Barns. "This is your home. I shouldn't be doing things like this here."

He wasn't sure where he should be doing them. Out on the rooftops the way Ghost had?

Jesus, having two lives in his head was confusing.

Watching Adam for any sign of discomfort, Gansey shuffled through his usual list of excuses and deflection. Ganseys didn't discuss emotions. Except... was he really a Gansey here? His parents were another reality away. There were no political galas. No reporters to be wary of. Generations of 'proper breeding' could be forgotten here. "Evie. I failed her. I should've..." Been Ghost instead of Gansey, but he couldn't tell Adam that. "I should have done more to help with the Unseen."

He'd watched Ronan beat up his father. He'd had Ronan dream up horrible things and he'd watched Ronan die--almost twice. If you really wanted to be technical, Adam was responsible for a man's death. He was no stranger to the less civilized aspects of anyone or anything.

"I can handle it, Gansey," he said. "Besides, it's not like you're beating people up on the streets." He appreciated that Gansey was trying to protect him, but he wasn't as delicate as people sometimes thought.

Evie. He knew that name. He'd seen her around. "It's not your fault." He didn't know the specifics, but whatever they were, he was sure it wasn't Gansey's fault. "Don't talk like we've lost. We still have time to change things. We can get to the bottom of this." They'd found Glendower, after all; they could figure out how to stop the Unseen.

Gansey wasn't quite certain which Gansey he was at the moment. The politician's son should be able to find some light comment to hide his surprise at Adam's choice of words. The version who spent his nights on rooftops would have laughed and made some vapid comment that most people would easily accept. Instead of doing either one, he stared at Adam in shock, almost stuttering for a moment, trying to think of a lie, then realizing he couldn't lie to Adam. He could refuse to tell some truths to protect Bruce, but he couldn't lie.

"Actually, the other version of me did beat people up on the streets." Slowly he moved to the wall nearest the punching bag, sliding down to sit on the worn floorboards. "If it makes a difference, I - he - did it for good reasons." Reasons that he'd embroider so there was no mention of costumes or bats, but they'd be close to truth.

"It is my fault. I was doing the research, but I should have been more focused. I should have done more. Been more. The other version of me wouldn't have failed her." Tipping his head back, he let it thunk against the wall, trying to ignore the frustration buzzing along his nerves. Slowly, he began to swear in a way that Ronan would be proud of and offended that he'd missed. "We don't even know what that magic did to her or what it's doing to her now."

Adam had only been trying to lighten the mood...apparently, from the look on Gansey's face, he'd failed. And then he found out why and- He sucked in a breath, rolling that information over in his head. He had a hard time imagining Gansey beating people up, for any reason, but he was also realizing how little he knew about what had happened during that event. All he'd known was that Ronan had rejected him, and whatever life he'd had with Gansey had made him fall in love. Adam knew...nothing about that other Gansey.

"That's bullshit," he said after a moment, pushing away from the doorframe. "Every version of you does your best, but you're only human. There's only so much you can accomplish. You're doing what you can, and this isn't over yet." He didn't know what made the other version of Gansey so special, but he didn't like the idea that this Gansey was somehow lesser because he'd 'failed' someone. "You know you can accomplish whatever you put your mind to, right? You'll figure out a way to save her."

Quietly, he closed the distance between them, hesitating when he was in front of Gansey. "Can I?" he asked, gesturing to the empty space next to Gansey.

"My best isn't helping Evie." It was difficult not to let guilt get the better of him. Because of what happened to Evie. Because of what had happened to Noah. And eventually they'd lose Cabeswater because of him. He'd been given so much, yet he didn't seem to be able to do anything that was worth the sacrifices that were made for his life. "It's not helping any of you."

It's something he'd only say aloud too Noah, but he was trying to be more open with Adam. A pang of wistfulness tightened in his chest. Jesus, he missed Noah. Gansey hoped that he was all right. Blue would take care of him, but he still worried.

Nodding his permission, Gansey let out a slow breath, thinking about his current failures and the other life that lived in the back of his mind. A life that Adam knew nothing about. "I'm sorry that I haven't been including you in things as much as I did. I - " For a moment, he struggled for an explanation. Adam didn't seem to have the duel life problems that Gansey did Neither did Ronan. Which made Gansey wonder why he was having a problem finding his footing with the knowledge of another life in another world while no one else did. "That other version of me. His memories are in my head more than they seem to be for other people. It makes it difficult to sort out which life I'm in. Or which one I should live."

Quietly, Adam lowered himself down to sit next to Gansey, shoulder to shoulder. "Sometimes, that's the way life is," he said softly. "Bad things still happen no matter how hard you try. It doesn't make it your fault."

He waited patiently for Gansey's explanation, hoping for something that would help him understand why he felt like so much more of a third wheel since arriving here. For a long time, it'd felt like Ronan and Gansey were joined at the hip, and Adam was stuck outside looking in through the window. It wasn't just that; Adam and Gansey hadn't talked like they used to. Maybe the rift between them had to do with their differing points in time, all of the things Adam had laid on Gansey when he'd first arrived. Maybe Adam had screwed something up.

To be perfectly honest, Adam had tried not to think too much about the other life he'd been given before. At the same time, he'd tucked it away to keep the memories safe forever, in case he ever needed a bright fantasy. He would never be a Dreamer. His father would never love him. It had been a better life but it hadn't been his. He'd given up on a life like that a long time ago, until Ronan and now Gansey both loved him.

Reaching over, he gently took Gansey's hand in his, lacing their fingers together if Gansey allowed him. "What was your other self like? I doubt he could be better than you. You're already perfect." Perfect in all of his imperfections and shortcomings, handsome and intelligent and passionate.

"But this is my fault. If I'd worked harder at it. If I'd treated it like Glendower..." Then Evie would be safe. He'd failed. No matter what Bruce and Adam said, he should have done more.

He should have involved Adam more, but their attempt at a trio was still new and Gansey was still trying to sift through all the information that he'd been bombarded with over the past few months. Adam dating Ronan. Trying to stay away from the two of them to give them a chance to develop a relationship. The guilt related to his relationship with Ronan. The complicated mess with Blue. Knowing that something precious would be sacrificed for his life and still not believing that his friends had made the right choice. Then everything with Gotham layered over that. Sometimes Gansey's head didn't feel like a place where he belonged.

When Adam took his hand, he didn't pull away, but he stared at their fingers, expecting Adam to reconsider and let go. His surprise turned to amusement and he let out a rude noise at the thought of being called perfect. "Are you sure you're not the other version of Adam? You've never thought of me as perfect."

Maybe that was another reason why things felt off balance with Adam. Adam was a year older at least. He'd changed in ways that Gansey didn't understand and he still expected the anger that he'd witnessed before arriving in this strange place. "That Gansey was freer than I am. He didn't have the Gansey family rules to follow." Pausing, he laughed softly at the first description that came to mind for the version of that Gansey that he could talk about.

"He was a lot like Ronan. He got into fights, but with people who were hurting others. He raced the Pig all over Gotham. And he - uh -" Did he really want to tell Adam that Gansey had been a playboy? "Had a certain reputation in the tabloids."

"Then let's treat it like Glendower now. It's not too late to save other people." And maybe it wasn't too late for Evie, either. He wanted to be hopeful, for Gansey's sake if nothing else. He couldn't stand to see Gansey beat himself up like this.

"The other version of me," he said quietly, "Had love his whole life, but it wasn't real. It was just something I used to dream about." Not the Dreamer part though; that had been a new twist. A way to better connect him with his father, maybe, to better connect him with Ronan. "What's real is that you're everything I want to be."

"If you don't like the rules, why follow them? Here, I mean. It's just the three of us."

He looked at Gansey out of the corner of his eye without turning his head, corners of his mouth twitching into a smile. "Uh-huh. A certain reputation." He couldn't imagine that, if he was coming to the proper conclusion. He could hardly imagine Gansey being like Ronan, even if defending people sounded like something Gansey would do. It was the fighting part of defending people that Adam had trouble wrapping his head around.

"Or save Evie." Bruce hadn't given up hope, and he had more experience with this type of situation. Relaxing against the wall, he brushed his thumb along Adam's hand, an absentminded gesture as he considered how this search could be like Glendower. "If we do it like Glendower, then it's going to be in Gansey-terms instead of those for general consumption."

Maybe that was why he'd struggled. He'd tried to make his research too user friendly when it just needed to be understood by two other people. He could translate that for Bruce.

"You should have had that other version to begin with." It was something that Gansey had always believed. It was one of the reasons he'd hated Adam's parents when he so rarely hated anyone. Everyone deserved love and the idea of Adam not being loved seemed so impossible to him until he'd seen the bruises.

Shaking his head, he leaned against Adam's shoulder. "No, I'm not. Everyone thinks my life perfect because - " He gestured vaguely with his free hand, implying the things that Adam and Blue had said about his entitlement. "But it's not true. I'm a mess." He'd never really admitted that to anyone except Malory. With him, it'd been difficult for Gansey to hide since the fact that he'd been so broken had been so obvious. "I still wake up screaming. There's days when the color of my sweater is the only thing keeping me from breaking down.

"I'm trying to stop following the rules. Maybe that's part of the reason the two sets of memories are getting tangled up. If I don't have the Gansey rules, then which do I follow?"

Noticing that Adam was looking at him, a very un-Gansey like flush crept across his face. "Some of it was true. Some of it wasn't. Bruce did remind me - him - regularly that he wasn't ready to be a grandfather." Despite his embarrassment, Gansey couldn't stop himself from smiling. "And he reminded Bruce that he was going to an all boys school. Then he'd sigh over Ronan. He was head over heels from the beginning even if he did like to look at the hot guys in class."

"Or save Evie," he agreed. "And there's nothing wrong with that; there are plenty of us who can relay information to other people." Adam might not have been as good with other people as he'd like to be, but he could at least put information into simple terms for other people when the time came.

He shrugged a shoulder, not weighing in about how he should have been loved from the start. He still grappled with that issue sometimes, especially since ending up here, and worried that maybe he didn't really deserve love. There was always going to be someone better than him, no matter how hard he tried.

Gansey's confession made Adam feel a little guilty about envying him. He knew Gansey wasn't really perfect, but he still had what Adam wanted most of all; almost limitless possibilities. Sometimes, Adam felt hideously selfish about the way he thought of things, and right now was one of those times. Wordlessly, he lifted their hands to kiss the back of Gansey's, hoping he could be a quiet comfort.

"Your heart?" he suggested, in response to Gansey's question about rules. "Deciding what path to follow isn't always easy." In fact, it was usually hard. "You have to pick what feels right."

He could hardly imagine Gansey as a playboy. He'd always been so busy trying to find Glendower to have time for relationships, even though he'd still dated more than Adam had. "So, who's Bruce?"

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The Barns - Closed

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