fluxscape | Out Here Alone [OTA]

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Out Here Alone [OTA]

Who: Adam Parrish and you!
What: Daily life
When: Dec 9th/10th
Where: Various places around Wechester
Warnings: Dated views on being gay

a. I'm sending a raven

Working was a good way to distract himself from things. In this case, he had a lot on his plate, even if it'd been over a week. There was always something to be done at the hardware store, and he was busy stocking shelves right now, moving merchandise from boxes to shelves. It was almost enough to make him forget about what had happened the previous month all together. Almost.

Pushing his emotions down and putting on his best customer service smile when he heard footsteps approaching, he offered a friendly, "Hello, can I help you find anything?" before actually looking over to see who was there.

b. Black bird in the sky

He'd just gotten off shift at work at the hardware store and was going to run some miscellaneous errands when he caught sight of one of the new posters. It had to be new because he didn't remember seeing one before and he was pretty sure Wechester didn't have a ski resort. Stopping to study the poster, he squinted at the poster, reading it carefully, and did a double-take when he reached the blurred out portion of it. Something wasn't right about it, and the longer he looked the worse he felt about everything, but he still couldn't read the blurred part. The blur even seemed to shift and move, like it was alive, which was a lot more unsettling than a simple poster with a hard to read section.

His head started to twinge and ache, and he looked away abruptly, blinking rapidly. That didn't make the headache go away, and he felt distinctly like he'd just walked through the security system at the original Barns. Wrapping his arms around himself, he tried to suppress a shiver. His mood, already low, had plummeted, and he couldn't explain why beyond the poster he'd been looking at.

Still, that didn't stop him from glancing back at the poster and then looking around. "Excuse me," he said to someone, anyone, "But does that poster look weird to you?"

c. Sending a signal that I'm here

There were few things that felt more natural and normal than working on cars. It was soothing in a way, and better at distracting himself from things that stocking shelves was. He was dressed for the job, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, grease smeared across one cheek, hands dirty. He had a rag nearby for when his hands got too grimy, but he was currently working under a hood, happy as a pig in mud.

Except when he heard someone approaching and looked up too fast, slamming his head into the underside of the hood. "Dammit." He dropped his tools, taking a slightly off balance step back and reaching up to feel the top of his head. The skin hadn't broken, but it sure was tender.

d. Some sign of life [for Tobias]

After packing a small lunch for two, a pair of sandwiches, apples, and bottles of water, into a backpack, Adam set out on his motorcycle to Tobias's meadow. Or rather, his tree, specifically. He parked by the road, hanging his helmet off the handlebars, and headed up to the tree, looking around.

"Tobias?"

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Ronan winced as if he'd been the reason Adam had hit his head so hard. Just adding injury to insult he thought, watching Adam and waiting for the moment when he realized who was there and half expecting to be told to leave.

They hadn't actually spoken since Adam's confession and flower. And now things were even more complicated. They were themselves again and Ronan remembered that this Adam was from a future world where he was dating Ronan Lynch. His hair was gone again. He also remembered very clearly how he'd broken Adam's heart. Again.

First when Adam had first arrived here and then again when Adam had given him a flower.

"You should put some ice on that."

He froze for a moment when he saw Ronan, rubbing his head for a moment longer before stooping to pick up the tools he'd dropped. "I'll be fine," he said. He'd ice it later, if he had to. Right now he was busy in more than one way.

He knew he hadn't taken the most mature approach in avoiding Ronan after everything that had happened, but it'd given him time to think about things, to try and fit his emotions back into their neat little boxes. Except nothing was neat and nothing fit, everything was overflowing, threatening to bubble up.

Honestly, the first heartbreak he'd been able to deal with a lot better. It hadn't been anybody's fault, it'd been this place. He hadn't blamed Ronan at all. Now...he still didn't blame Ronan. He blamed himself. And maybe Gansey, a little, even though he knew it wasn't his fault, either, from a logical standpoint. Keeping things logical was the hard part, though.

"What are you doing here?" He didn't sound accusatory at least, as he put his tools down and wiped his hands off on the rag from his pocket.

Ronan rubbed his shaved head, remembering the last time they'd talked to each other. He'd had hair and his dad. Some small part of him wanted to go back to that life. He rolled his shoulders, throwing off the memories and focusing on what he had right in front of him.

"I haven't seen you since we all came back from NeverNeverland." He still had the flower sitting on his desk. "We need to talk."

"Sorry." In a different world, in different circumstances, Adam would never have dreamed of avoiding Ronan. Being apart from him was like missing part of himself, but here... He was genuinely sorry he'd been avoiding Ronan, at least.

He took a deep breath. "We do. Do you still love him?" He wanted to be clear on that. Had it been part of whatever had been happening at the time, or was it really true?

"Yes." It was a straight forward question that required a straight forward answer. "But it's not that simple, Adam. You don't know everything that's happened. That's why we need to talk."

More than anything he needs Adam to understand why. Because Adam is just as important to him as Gansey.

"Please."

Nothing was ever that simple. He was neither surprised that Ronan was still in love with Gansey (he'd prepared himself for it over the last few days, no matter how much it had seemed like a weird, terrible dream) nor that things were more complicated than they seemed. It was like Blue telling him he wasn't the one all over again.

"Okay." He was listening and willing to talk, maybe only because it was Ronan asking him. He wasn't sure he even wanted know everything that'd happened, but he would give Ronan a chance.

Ronan exhaled slowly and moved to stand by the car. For all the love he had for driving really fast and for the car his father had dreamed into existence, he couldn't do what Adam did. He couldn't fix cars.

"I'm not choosing Gansey over you or you over Gansey. This is not about either of you, not the way you think." He turned around and leaned against the car so he could focus on his thoughts and translating them in words instead of Adam's hands. "I fell in love with Gansey when we met. Not instantly, it's not love at first sight. I was too much of a coward, too slow, too...stupid. And then my chance was gone. I didn't stop loving him, I just couldn't put that in front of everything else. I was a fucking mess when my dad died."

He would have been a bigger mess if he'd lost Gansey completely. If he'd never met Adam or Noah.

"And then we were here together trying to build a new life while we figure out how to go home again. But the crazy shit with being another person...being that Ronan...I found out what it would be like and I want to take that chance with him. Not because I don't want to be with you."

Deep breath. No matter what he said Adam would get hurt, he couldn't change that.

"I know you love me. More than you can put into words. But I can't be with you because fate or the future or whatever fuck is out there says this is how it's suppose to be. Imagine...Imagine Blue showed up at the Barns, where you're living with your Ronan, happy and in love. And she tells you that she's from your future and you two finally get together and get married. Are you suppose to just walk out on me-your Ronan-because she says that's how it is in the future?"

He crouched down, back pressed hard against the front tire, rubbed his shaved head.

"I have to make a decision for myself right now. Fuck! If I could have you both...If I thought..." Ronan laid his head back and stared up at nothing, too much of a coward to see the hurt in Adam's eyes. "I don't love you any less than I love him, but I gave him up once and I won't make that mistake again. I'll understand if you can't forgive me for hurting you, but I don't want you to leave The Barns. I don't want to lose my friend."

Adam listened silently, staring at a point off in the distance. What would he do if Blue told him that? He'd probably think she'd gone crazy, or maybe that she really loved him and wanted a second chance, or...he wasn't sure what he'd do. But it didn't matter, because this wasn't about Blue, and if he'd realized how things would go, he never would have mentioned shit to Ronan--or Gansey--in the first place.

"If I had known you were going to fuck fate, I never would have said anything." His hands were shaking, so he clenched them into fists to try and hide it. "Because it feels a lot like fuck me just because I love you." Because he'd been stupid enough to think that maybe, just maybe, he deserved happiness and love, too.

He took a deep breath. "I never wanted to make you feel obligated to choose me. I always wanted you to do what made you happy." He'd just thought...if Ronan had loved him that much once, he would again. Or maybe he'd always convinced himself it would never be him a second time around. How could he be that lucky twice when he'd barely been able to believe it'd been him the first time?

"He has everything. Then he had Blue. Now he has you." He wasn't being fair. He knew he wasn't, but it was too late now. He knew Gansey wasn't perfect, that he didn't really have everything, and Adam wanted him to be happy just as much as he wanted Ronan to be happy. But Adam wanted to be happy, too.

He took another deep breath. "Making a choice shows which one of us is more important to you, and that's fine." It was not, indeed, fine. Not in the slightest. But Adam was trying, he really was. He was trying not to cry, too. He refused to, no matter how tight he had to clench his jaw to work the emotions down.

"You can't have both of us. It doesn't--it's not--" he wasn't usually at a loss for words, but he didn't know how to finish that sentence. He couldn't come up with a reason why Ronan couldn't have both him and Gansey beyond the fact that he was too upset right now and would feel like the third wheel, the pitied party. Just included for the sake of things. No matter how much Ronan said he loved him just as much as he loved Gansey. No matter how desperately Adam wanted that to be true.

"I just want you to be happy," he said quietly, feeling like half the fight had gone out of him. "I don't want to lose you, either." As a friend or whatever they could have been here or what they'd been back home. Things had been simple before and he desperately wished they could be again.

It was a lot to say, especially for Ronan who only spoke what was necessary to be understood or to make a point. It felt like he used a lot of words and still couldn't properly express himself. He hated that feeling. he hated it because he knew no matter how few words he chose to use Adam would be hurt and angry and nothing would change that fact.

Which is why he listened and accepted everything. All of it. Hurtful, wrong, right, whatever the intention or meaning, Adam had a right to feel what he was feeling and Ronan wouldn't argue or stop him. It was the same for Gansey.

They could hit him, try to choke the life from his body, and he wouldn't lift a hand to stop them. So he listened, resigned to being an asshole who hurt people.

He let Adam throw his verbal punches because Adam needed to be heard.

And then he slowly got up from his hiding spot, moved around the front of the car to stand directly in front of Adam.

"Gansey has what you don't have and you have what Gansey doesn't have. You're equals and opposites." He leaned in closer, no hint of anger or frustration, just sadness. "I could have you both if you two could admit you have feelings for each other."

He inhaled, straightened.

"The only way you could lose me is if I die and even then I'm coming back as ghost like Noah to haunt your ass."

He would feel bad about some of the things he said later, or even starting now, but it was too late to take them back. There was a part of him that felt like Ronan should have been angry with him, and Adam was upset that he wasn't. He didn't enjoy fighting with Ronan, he never had and he especially didn't now. What Adam wanted, more than anything, was just to be wrapped up in Ronan's arms, because his arms felt like home.

He even started to reach out when Ronan came closer, but then froze. For a minute, the gears in his brain screeched to a halt, a complete flatline. Then a rush of thoughts all tumbled in at once, a jumble. His first thought was confusion on how that would solve everything, before he realized. His next thought was-

"What makes you think Gansey has feelings for me?" he asked. Why would Gansey, the boy who could have anything and anyone, have feelings for Adam?

He didn't even think to deny having feelings for Gansey, instead remembering when he'd almost kissed him out of desperation to get him to believe he meant a lot to his friends. 'Almost' might have been a strong word, but the thought had crossed his mind before being discarded. He'd been wrapped up in being loyal to Ronan though, even if they weren't together here, because Adam was nothing if not loyal.

Ronan remembered Adam giving him the dream flower. The way Adam had hugged him when they first saw each other. He didn't miss the way Adam seemed to want to reach out to him. He remembered telling him he couldn't kiss him because it would be far more painful when he could only give half of himself. He also remembered fighting Gansey when Adam first joined their group. Being an asshole to Adam.

Adam didn't leave and Gansey didn't let Adam go.

Standing here now he was so happy they had each other. Even if they didn't always see things the same way.

"For the same reason I think you have feelings for him. You two need to talk." He rubbed his shaved head and smiled a little. "The shitty thing about not being them is that my dad is dead and your parents are assholes. And you can't dream me another flower to replace the one I lost when I woke up."

He'd give Ronan every flower in the world if they were dating. Maybe even if they weren't. The dreamed flower had been...a bold move, on his part, especially when he hadn't wanted to influence Ronan. He'd just been so happy and confident in a way he'd never really felt before, that had spurred him into taking a chance. If he'd realized then how things would go...he probably still would have done it, anyway.

"Why do you think I have feelings for him?" What had Adam done to make Ronan think this way? He was confused. Had he been obvious? Were there signs he'd missed? He knew he'd had thoughts sometimes, but he hadn't thought he'd done anything about them. This was something he needed to think about more, but he was afraid if he opened the door, he'd never be able to close it again. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing though. He wasn't sure.

He did need to talk to Gansey though. They hadn't properly spoken in a while, and he didn't know if Gansey was out there thinking Adam must hate him right now or something.

He wished he could tell Ronan something like 'at least you still have your mom' but that was tricky territory that he hadn't brought up with anyone yet, and now was definitely not the time. "I can give you more flowers," he said instead. They might not be as pretty, and they might die with time, but the sentiment would be the same.

"No. You two have to figure things out for yourself."

Ronan just smiled softly at Adam and thought about what growing his hair out again would mean to him. Adam had never seen him with hair before. Adam had never known him before a part of him had died and the other part had shattered into pieces. It was amazing to him that Adam had ever found anything about him to love so deeply even after he'd broken Adam's heart he was still being offered flowers.

And then there was Gansey who had witnessed it all.

How could he not love them both so very much. He hadn't realized how deep his feelings for Adam could run the same way he hadn't realized how broken he'd be again if he lost Gansey again.

"If it's too painful for you to do that then don't. But I'd like to have them."

Adam made a frustrated sound, but he knew that arguing with Ronan about this would be pointless. But what if Ronan was wrong? What if Gansey didn't have feelings for Adam? It was, strangely, a frightening thought. Adam had only made the first move once when it was Blue, and that had ended, well, the way it had. He didn't hold that against anyone though, maybe because he'd always loved Ronan but hadn't realized it at the time. The way he loved Ronan and the way he loved Blue was different. Ronan felt like his forever, and Blue was a good friend who wasn't interested in dating him, and that was fine.

"Okay. Fine. I'll talk to him." He might have also been avoiding Gansey recently because he hadn't trusted himself not to say something regretful. But now a different opportunity was presenting itself, and he still didn't know what he thought about it, but talking couldn't hurt any more than he'd already been hurt, so.

"If you want flowers, you'll get flowers." No matter what had happened between them, no matter how much Adam hurt. Because of reasons. Tamquam.

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Out Here Alone [OTA]

sending a signal that I'm here

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